TERMINAL ILLNESS SUPPORT
ACCEPTING REALITY
It is devastating to hear that we or someone that we love has a terminal disease and the sad truth is that advanced alcoholism may be the reason. If a body is severely damaged beyond repair from years of abuse, family members, and the terminally ill dependent, must prepare for this passage.
FAMILY MEMBERS
As loved ones of the terminally ill person, it’s important for you to begin the healing process. If you believe in God, your religion or spirituality can be of tremendous help during this trying time. Also, unresolved feelings and resentments are important and need to be addressed as early as possible.
FOR THE PATIENT
If you are terminally ill, take time to reflect on your life. What were your accomplishments? What were your failures? Who influenced you and whom did you influence? Who did you love and who do you love right now? Tell the people in your life how you feel and what their relationships have meant to you. You may need to forgive yourself for your shortcomings or transgressions or forgive those who hurt or disappointed you. And you may also need and want to ask others to forgive you.
THE ILLNESS AFFLICTS EVERYONE
A terminal illness affects the one who is sick as well as family, friends, neighbors and coworkers. Coping with terminal illness is incredibly consuming. There are many people to talk to and many questions to ask. It is often an exhausting, emotional roller-coaster ride because the hopes and triumphs of new or alternative treatments can quickly turn to fears and failures.
ACCEPT YOURSELF AND MAKE PEACE
Accepting your imperfections and those of others will help you find comfort. Most of us have had relationships disrupted in life from death, divorce, relocation or other forces that pull people apart. As serious illness threatens, it is important to come together with family and friends to make peace and say goodbye. Don't wait until it’s too late to see an estranged relative or to chat with an old friend.
ASK THE HARD QUESTIONS
A terminally ill person must ask some hard questions: “How long do I have and how sick will I get? How bad will the pain be? And what will happen to my family or my work?.” The most troubling questions are: “How will I pay for everything? Is my will in order? Can I stay at home? And who will care for me at the end?” Most of all you may simply ask: “What is left undone?” If you are caring for this person, perhaps you can encourage them to ask and deal with these issues early on.
COPING WITH CONFLICTING EMOTIONS
Accepting such a great loss is hard. You may find yourself with conflicting emotions in the face of reality. You may ask, “How can this be happening? What can I do to help? And why do I feel powerless?” You may wonder what it’s like to die. Is there is life after death? And why is everyone behaving so strangely? While you search for the right things to do and say, try to discover something positive in the midst of this devastating event.
ALLOW YOURSELF TO GRIEVE
Grief, like other emotions, can reveal itself in the body and in the mind. You may lose your appetite, experience aches and pains, sleep too long or not enough. You may feel depressed, hopeless or guilty over things left unsaid or undone. You may be unable to concentrate. And you may feel angry at the world, yourself or your loved ones. Go right ahead and feel it.
THE FIVE PHASES OF GRIEF
Denial: When we’re told an illness is incurable, we often say, "I don't believe it! There must be a mistake." Others may say, "Maybe most people may die, but I will beat the odds." People experience denial when the news is just too painful to absorb. So we use denial to protect ourselves and to buy time. Adjusting to the grim reality is difficult to say the least.
Anger: It’s normal to hear a dying person ask, "Why is this happening to me?" Some people feel angry at God for letting them get sick, at their doctors for not finding a cure, at the government for spending money on weapons instead of medical research, or at the world in general.
Bargaining: A dying person will bargain with God or anyone else they think has the power to extend their life a little longer. He or she may say, “I swear I’ll never drink again if I go into remission.”
Depression: A terminally ill person will grieve more than anyone involved. Their grief has two parts: they mourn what's already lost, their health, family, job and independence. And they mourn for what will be lost when they die, their relationships, future hopes and dreams and life itself.
Acceptance: This is a feeling of peaceful resignation. It usually won’t set in until death is very close. Unfortunately, some patients or family members never come to accept reality and this can make coping with the funeral and estate even more difficult.
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
If you're scared to be with a dying person, try to identify the root of your fears. Are you afraid to face death yourself? Do you worry about what to say or do? Are you uncomfortable showing emotion? Maybe sadness is paralyzing you from taking any action. Some people distance themselves to avoid the reality of death. But, ignoring the truth simply won’t make it go away.
TELL PEOPLE THEY’VE MADE A DIFFERENCE
Most dying people want to feel that their lives were significant and that they’ve made a difference in this world and in the lives of those around them. As people struggle with decisions at this time, opportunities will arise to nurture, honor and celebrate the person who is departing. In turn, a dying person can tell friends and relatives how important they are. This need for “closure” is a lesson to us all: we should take time to periodically review our lives and recognize our achievements. This may help us find more purpose in life while we are healthy. Also, identify your "unfinished business" or troubled relationships. This can help resolve things now, rather than frantically trying to reconcile at the end. Who knows…being proactive in the present moment may dramatically enrich the rest of your life.
DISCUSS THE ‘IDEAL’ WAY TO DIE
Ask anyone to describe how they’d want to die and they will probably say, "I don't want to die in pain." Or, "I don't want to suffer. And I don't want to be a burden on my family or leave them with debts.” Some people will fearfully confide: “I don't want to die alone." The big challenge for family members, loved ones and caregivers is to talk about things we’d rather avoid such as painful memories, hurt feelings or deep resentments. Also, discussing the pragmatic details of death is important including funeral arrangements: how and where, cremation vs. burial, the obituary and even funeral costs.
COPING WITH CONFUSING BEHAVIOR
In the final weeks or days of life, a dying person can say or do things that make no sense. You may hear, "Her mind is wandering," or "He doesn't know what's happening." It's not unusual for onlookers to refer to a dying person as “out of it" or "not quite right anymore”. Such behaviors is often annoying or frustrating to caregivers. Healthcare professionals may even label the illogical expressions as "confusion," “dementia” or "hallucination." They may try to humor the patient, as if dealing with a young child or they may try to suppress the behavior with medication. Many times, such actions only distance a patient from trusted family and friends leaving him or her feeling isolated and bewildered. Be aware that this is normal and don’t let it get in the way of being with and loving the dying person through his or her last moments of life.
Hospice Foundation of America
1621 Connecticut Ave., NW
Suite 300
Washington, DC 20009
Tel: (800) 854-3402
email: hfaoffice@hospicefoundation.org
http://www.hospicefoundation.org/
For patients and families facing terminal illness.
